It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
