11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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