So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
