drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
