I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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