theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize