Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
