Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
