But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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