did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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