it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You dont lie about slip and slides
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
