Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
