So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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