I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
