you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
