Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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