new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
