Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
