Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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