I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My penis needs a shock collar
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
