I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
