the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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