To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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