I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you had me at cake vodka
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i black out too much to be "responsible"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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