The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
