Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
FUCK WHALES
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
