Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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