How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
