I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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