Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Randomize
