Your dad touched me again.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
