I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
