I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
