so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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