i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
