Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize