There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
