i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
