My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
