I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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