Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
