bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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