Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you inspire me to be a worse person
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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