OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
