porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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