sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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