So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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