If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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