he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
