Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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