and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
