i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You need a sexual gate keeper
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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