There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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