I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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