Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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