im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
