The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
