i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
