meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
