i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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