how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
