My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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