I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
