jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
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