dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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