9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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