I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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