I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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