I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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