This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
