Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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